Hey all. Lately I have been bothered by negative feelings about my triathlon racing. The kind of negative self talk that we all encounter in our daily lives, not just athletic performance. Honu was a bust. A DNS. (Technically I withdrew.) The Century Ride is rapidly approaching, and after that the BHAG race of my season, Ironman California.
Back in January that sounded like crazy fun. Now, it just seems crazy. Meanwhile, obstacles keep popping up. The latest feels like a doozy. Bigger than getting cancer last year. I have not one but two subdermal hematomas, blood clots between the skull and the brain.
The most likely cause was my bike crash on May 17th. I didn't think I hit my head hard. My new helmet did not show damage. But, that was the only traumatic event that could have caused it.
Ok, I'll step back on what I said about my cancer. That treatment lasted many weeks. This will take one surgery and some careful recovery. I think the end result will be the same, a month or more of seriously restricted training.
Athletes bounce back from injuries all the time, right? So what's the big deal? Do the rehab. Follow the plan. It sounds easy, until it isn't.
What I have been experiencing is a variation on the imposter syndrome. I'm not good enough. I have no business being here. Everyone will laugh at me. I don't look like an athlete. Except that in my case it's that my body can't do this. Every time I try, my body fails me. I train. I prepare. One season it's a hernia. Another, A-Fib. Double vision. A bike crash. And now, a subdermal hematoma.
The question I keep asking myself is, when do I stop? What line must I cross to see that it is time for me to stop? I have yet to find an answer.
This question is not the same as imposter syndrome, but I think it's related. With imposter syndrome we believe we are not up to the task. Here, it is our body that is not up to the task of achieving the goals we set for ourselves.
To help me sort this out I have returned to a wonderful book, “The Brave Athlete,” by Simon Marshall, Ph.D. and his wife Lesley Paterson. It has plenty of practical exercises to help sort things out. I'll share my journey here as I work through these thoughts and feelings, knowing that they affect other athletes in much the same way.